Silent Dreams

When I first made a facebook, I had a silent, secret dream to one day create a really awesome group like Eat Red Jello and Save the Rain Forests, and millions of people would join it. That dream never happened and then one day I realized groups are the dumbest thing ever. Except for this one I saw once called "Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo...". It was a group about this. PLEASE go to it. It's amazing.

I got a text last January that said:
"They always said when a Black was nominated President of the US, pigs would fly. And sure enough, when Barack Obama was inaugurated, swine flu."

I got the swine flu vaccine today.

MTC IN 5 DAYS!!! I have so much to do and not enough time to do it.

Henrietta

Today was a good day.

It was my second-to-last day of work. It was sunny and 70deg after being cold and rainy for a week straight. The leaves were beautiful and driving in the car while listening to Jack Johnson is almost always a good idea.

I taught piano lessons to funny children. I dance and make weird voices throughout the lesson and we have good laughs. It's bad though because they've stopped respecting/ fearing me as their teacher.

My dad forwards me emails from his MTC companion's son who is serving in Romania. I read them because missionaries are suddenly interesting now that I'm soon to be one three weeks from today. He's kooky and hilarious and ridiculous. I emailed him once even though I don't even know him. He responded today! Great letter, a Romanian penny and a pass along card included.

I ate a fruit leather.

Today was a sad day.

Sometimes I have no idea what I am doing going on a mission. When I invite my friends to hear a message about the gospel, they're never interested. I just want so badly for people to know what they are missing...So they can stop missing it! If they just knew what was right in front of their eyes, they would hate me for not inviting them sooner. The gospel of Jesus Christ changes lives. It brings more happiness, satisfaction...fulfillment than anything else on this planet. It brings us closer to God than anything else. World, WAKE UP! Please wake up.

There are days when I can't imagine not going on a mission. There are days when I get a stomach ache from excitement. There are days when I realize how short 18 months really is; and how fast it's going to fly.

Then there are days when serving feels like the hardest, most unnecessary thing possible. How's that for flaws? I wish I wasn't so flawed sometimes. Still, today is one of those days. Am I ready to forsake my life; my friends; my freedom? Am I ready to risk everything for the Lord? I am and will always be ready to risk everything for the Lord. If we put our trust in Him, He will provide. I have faith. But sometimes it's easier to know something deep inside, than to envision it actually happening at some point.

On a lighter, less ambiguous note, I usually call Henry "Henrietta." He...ironically protests quite strongly to my endearing nickname. The other night he said he would start calling me Perrywinkle. (As if he was going to offend me with that??) I said, "Would you rather be a perrywinkle or a perrytwinkle?" He said A PERRYWINKLE! I questioned his immediate and opinionated response. "TWINKLE MEANS PEE." Can you guess what my new nickname for him is?

Debate Club

I'm laying in bed debating whether or not I should get up and go running. The risk of that is getting Hannah Montana songs stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

Vile Piles of Files

Today has been a very alphabetical day. Allow me to explain.

I work in a sad little place where the senior citizens flow like wine, and Microsoft Word is still in the 2003 version. This summer I have been temping for a lady on maternity leave, and she finally returned this past Monday. I never thought I would see the day, but yes, miracles happen. My boss Rita asked me to stay on board for some time until I leave in November, and I thought it was a dream come true. An opportunity to make more moolah! Don't say moolah.

Turns out, all I do is FILE. ALL DAY. EVERYDAY. I'm so sick of alphabetizing records. In the mornings I'll begin to alphabetize my socks until I realize that you CAN'T alphabetize socks. Not in this era, anyway.

The one good thing that has come of today was around noon I realized there really, truly is one good thing about the name Mckenna: It comes before Mckenzie in the alphabetical order. AH DANG IT. As I'm typing this now I just realized that most people spell it Mackenzie, don't they. I can never win.

Taiwow

CHILDREN OF THE AMAZON:

How dare I leave the cyberoptic* world in troubled suspense over my mission call! It's like you would have thought I died or something. Welp, here it is..................!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OO1p4kNKT4

I try to be really bad and cool in my blog, and act like I'm apathetic towards life and the things that happen to me.

But this.
is.
SO.
COOOLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am SOOO EXCITED, I just want to leave right now! I still have two months to go, and it is painstakingly slow. I have no idea how the heck I'm going to learn Chinese. I wish I was more concerned about it, because that would lead me to action and actually trying to learn it. I don't have much motivation because I don't know where to start! I'm going to ride a bike and wear a skirt and eat tofu everyday and possible even learn to like it, and obey rules (I've never obeyed a rule in my life), and actually go to bed at a decent hour (like that's even possible) and do so many impossible things!!!! Most importantly I get to study/preach the gospel 24/7 for 18 months and isn't that the best part of it all? To be a full time representative of Jesus Christ and labor with all my heart, might, mind and strength to bring souls to Him! How miraculous and wonderful and life changing.

Oh, and don't mind the blubbery babyness of the movie, it's all for effect. ;)

Speaking of emotions, aren't tears a funny sort of thing? Why does liquid exit the eyeballs when happiness, sadness or laughter is experienced? I am sure I'm not the first person to have wondered that. When we went boating in Maine this summer, my dad was teaching my sisters and I that when we get up on water skis or a wake board, it's tempting to freak out the first second you stand up because you are so happy that you won the war against the water, and then, you fall immediately. God must bring us down with our weaknesses before He lifts us back up! Dad then taught us the phrase, "Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together." He encouraged us to recite that in our heads when we're losing our cool. I have to tell myself that when I start to cry sometimes. The phrase comes in handy in a variety of situations.


* I'm not sure what cyberoptic means, but I'm pretty sure it means something.

The nightmare before Christmas

Tomorrow is a very big day.

I'M GOING TO GET MY MISSION CALL!!!!!!!! Who would have ever seriously thought that I of all people would go on a mission. I know everyone is surprised because all my life I have been a 15 year old bright-eyed beehive that fruits around and is in love with the world. WELL I TURNED AROUND. ACTUALLY I DIDN'T. I'm still the same wombat girl but the difference is I'm a wombat girl with a purpose now.... A mission, if you will.

Anyway, I have had tyrannosaurus rex butterflies in my stomach all day and I can't even breathe. I keep giggling uncontrollably and I have no appetite, but I only eat because I'm nervous.

My call should arrive around noon and I get off work at one. Typical Stephen the Beast has decided to grace the city with his presence and I have no idea when he is getting home. It's so unfair that I have to wait for a brother that shows no interest in my mission anyway! And he probably isn't even getting home until 5 or 6! Ray; my buddy, my man, my brothah from anothah mothah who is my partner in crime that is also preparing for a mission, is going to his aunt's at three tomorrow... so Steve's selfishness is possibly preventing Ray from being there. I really want Ray there. It's bad enough that Stew won't even be there; my brother who was there for me in the process of making this decision. He gave me the vision of serving a mission, he helped me find this path.

Ok I had to get the complaining out of my system. I am just so excited, I want it to be perfect!!!! Thank goodness my sisters will be there. Elder Raey and Elder Call, the missionaries in my ward who have taught a lot of discussions in our house, cancelled their exchanges tomorrow so they can both be there! It's so sweet. I feel like I'm really going to open it with my family this summer. It's a nice thought. However, a part of my family is missing; a few of my best friends are in other states at the moment and it really, really stinks. :(










Because I am going on an 18-month mission and therefore will miss two Christmases, I decided today that I will listen to only Christmas music until I leave so I get all the cravings out of my system. Not that I can't listen to all Christmas music on my mission, but Britney Spears "My Only Wish" probably is a no no (I love that song).

People Who Need People

Well hootenanny. I've been rebuked by Shmaudrey, Larin, Mierra, Nashley and Fro (code names. this is the internet people) for not updating my blog recently. Ok actually I haven't. I know if I don't correct this, Audrey will write some snotty little comment about how no one has told me to update it. Whatever

At my desk job, I'm given an affluent amount of time to ponder life and the eternities, and I've come to 3 conclusions:

1. Alphabet letters definitely have genders. For example, A is a girl. B, C, and D are boys. E is a girl. F is a boy. G is a girl. H- boy. I- girl. J is a femmy man. K is a manly man. L is french- a boy. A french boy. M and N are girls. O is a boy and P is a girl. Q and R are men (Q is probably Middle Eastern), and S is a girl. T is flashy and feisty- maybe a Spice Girl. U is an airplane steward, V is a guy, W is a girl, X guy, Y girl (actually this one is open to debate), Z boy. For all you folks out there who's first initial-gender does not match your gender, life goes on.

2. All I want for my the rest of my birthdays is bubble wrap. A lot of it.

3. Of all the crazy ways people have manipulated my name over the years, I think my favorite nickname so far is what my little sister Jane calls me: Miss Keena.

People are funny.

Last night my dad's former boss who is Dutch and lives in Belgium brought her family to our house to visit. We were scared that the Finer Thing's Club aka Europeans in our living room would judge us for being ugly Americans. The husband was a darling little French man with a strong personality. I wish I wasn't so awkward when they went in for the smooch on the cheek (I do love that piece of their culture, by the way. It's dainty and cute). I guess I did good because when I met the family I just got one kiss and when they left, some of them gave me two and even three!

I watched my poor mother say goodbye to Jon Luke and give him a friendly bear hug when he went in for the kiss. Maybe he was scared, but maybe he also liked it.

People are flirty.

The 16 year old girl Rachel only spoke French. It was difficult; actually impossible to communicate with her, except through her older brother Frederick who spoke some English. I smiled at her a lot last night to make her feel welcome. It might have turned creepy at points. Olivia looked up the phrase, "Do you think he's buff?" in French on the internet, and asked it to Rachel as she pointed at Steve. At one point we heard mom in the kitchen say to her, "What kind of soda would you like?" and she answered, "I speak French," so mom said, "Oh, that's ok! Help yourself to whatever you like!" We decided mom talked to her in english for a total of 8 minutes last night.

Steve took French in high school so he tried saying a couple simple phrases to Rachel at the beginning because he felt sorry for her; he knows what it's like to be in a country and not speak the language. Apparently that meant that my 24-year old brother was interested in the 16 year old. She flirted with him the rest of the night. She gazed at him as he played piano. She sat next to him when possible and pinched his arm. When he tried to ignore it, she tickled his chest. I guess I can't blame her.

People are babies.

I work with a parking agency of a town nearby, so we get the usual people who call in to complain about problematic meters that are reading 'failed', won't accept coins, etc. Last week a man called and informed me that he inserted 35 cents, but the meter didn't clock the time. So he moved to another meter and inserted 35 more cents, and it worked. However, he had to pay twice. He insisted on getting his 35 cents returned to him at once. He kept explaining to me that it wasn't about the money so much as "The Principle of the 35 Cents." I told him he could fill out a refund form, it would take a few weeks to process because Council has to approve the matter, and then we would issue him a check for $0.35. He didn't seem to like that idea. SIR, IF YOU REALLY WANT, I WILL JUST GIVE YOU 35 CENTS MYSELF. The principle of the 35 cents. Great title for a book, don't you think?

Things you can buy with 35 cents....
Tolls for the Garden State Parkway
Juicy Fruit in a vending machine
3 jolly ranchers at the pool with 5 cents to spare
a gumball
7 nickels is surely enough for one sweet game of DDR at NickelCade
a sweet toy at Acme's old 25c toy machine
A handful of dirty mikeNikes or Reeces Pieces at a gas station

I guess the man was right. 35 cents is a lot more than we realize.

People are old.

Everyone I work with except for like one guy is 30 years my senior. And everyday at least one comment is made about my youth. Actors and bands and movies...have I heard of them? WHY OF COURSE NOT! I WASN'T EVEN BORN YET! I sit next to a sarcastic, witty woman named Michelle and she makes more comments out of anyone-but they're always about stupid 20 year olds in general- never officially directed towards me. But the other Andy down the hall comes and tells us a story about a 20 year old who was hitting on his wife, and how all 20 year old guys only think about one thing. And he's just philosophizing about the existence of 20 year olds in general, and Michelle of course opens her big mouth and says, "Yeah, I sit next to a 20 year old all day, IT DRIVES ME NUTS!" Umm Michelle I don't do anything to you. I don't even talk to you. You are just old. Stop taking your oldness out on me. (This is a good thing to say to parents that are bothering you. Don't try this at home, kids.)

People like cross word puzzles.

It's the funniest thing, a few people I work with literally meet in the lunchroom every day on their break and do crosswords together. I think it's the highlight of their lives. And I gotta hand it to them- they are good! They always try to get me to come and participate, and usually I just sit there blankly staring as they throw out 4 letter words for hyperventilation like it's nobody's business. Maybe it's something you get good at with practice. Maybe the knowledge just comes with age. And every time there's a 3-letter word that ends in 'x', they get so excited. And when it turns out to be 'box' or 'mix', they are sorely disappointed.

People say things you wouldn't expect.

There is a lovely lady named Jean who is very sweet and demure. She always smiles at me as if I'm her daughter. If I hadn't known any better, I would guess this woman sings to homeless children in her spare time and donates expensive household items to charitable organizations.

The week of July 4, I bumped into her in the copy room and made friendly conversation about the upcoming holiday. In response to my question about her plans, she said, "I'm going to get so hammered this weekend." Can people get hammered at 50? I'm actually not even positive I know what hammered means. I'm pretty sure it means drunk. But I thought only kids on Dude Where's My Car use that term.

People are blind.

A man came in for a permit a few weeks ago, and I grabbed the form off the wall as we politely conversed. When I asked him to fill it out, he abruptly said, "I CAN'T SEE. You are going to have to fill it out for me." I nervously laughed and said, "Oh, of course," as if I should have just assumed that he was blind. In my mind I was wondering if this man should be driving a vehicle under his circumstances. At the bottom of form the resident is supposed to sign his/her name. I was afraid to ask the man to do it, so on the line in parenthesis I wrote, "He is blind."

People are sisters and go tubing with their cousins in Maine.




I've never seen Dude Where's My Car, by the way.

Charlie's Angels/devils?

I convinced my brother Phil the other day that hobo stands for homeless-bonehead. It's partially true anyhow.

I decided when I grow up, I will open my own store called "Hot Cuts and Cold Cuts." It will be a barbershop/sandwich place in which people can get their hair cut as they enjoy delicious bistro delights.

Olivia means business.
Sam dreams of purple rabbits flying through New Zealand.
I'm just confused.

Peace, love and happiness

My mom just walked in my room wearing leopard print, diamond-studded peace sign flip flops.

That is all.





Oh, and did I forget to mention that my love flew across the country to see me? My life is a fairytale.

Moon.

I taste something in my mouth. Oh wait, it's cat hair.

Youth is wasted on the young

My appendix hurts.
I made 35$ babysitting.
I grind my teeth at night.
I like sad Rascal Flatts songs.
I'm writing a song.
I'm reading the bible.
Like Hannah Montana, I live a double life.
I'm wearing a moomoo.
I bought skittles tonight.
I'm old.
I love doing laundry. Seriously.
I recently went skinny dipping. Jk.

Fig Newtons

Updates in my incredibly exciting and dazzling life: I pity Maisy. Personally, I'm a dog person. We've always had a golden doodle (Don't freak out about the femmy dumb name, it's a golden retriever and a poodle mixed). Her name is Maisy, and I'm pretty sure she hasn't been bathed since Christmas. I have a very capable family, as you can see.

As aforementioned, my mother recently invested in a cat. I've never liked cats. They're smelly, licky, smart little nasties, and frankly, I'm just sick of them. Ok that's partially true. My family is obsessed with him. Mother giggles uncontrollably when he so much as looks at her. Poor Maisy is forgotten and alone. No one cares about her anymore. This is beginning to remind me of:
1) the Jessie cowgirl doll in Toy Story 2
2) my youth- when I worried for the stuffed animals that couldn't fit on my bed because I didn't want them to feel left out. I was 18.

Why is job searching so hard? Why is life so cruel? Why is the huge piano in FAO Schwartz so expensive? Why did they change the name Seesaw to teeter-totter? Why did Brian Miller break my heart in third grade? Why do people cry when they laugh? Why is windex green? Why do newborns smile when they sleep? Why do people have bad dreams? And why do they feel so real? Why is new york city mad? Why are old people innocent, even if they're not? Why do fig newtons always seem like a good idea, but they are always a mistake? Why do people change? Why can't I?

Every girl is a princess and every princess is a girl.

Note: this blog is my outlet. It is for my emotional well being. Viewer discretion advised

Check it out...I'm a BMW!

The catnap got my tongue

I remembered something today. A number of years ago, I took a nap on my bed and somehow fell asleep with my tongue hanging out of my mouth. To this day I do not understand why or how. When I woke up it was dried out and kind of hurt.

What's that smell? Oh, it's NJ.

Holy smokes it has been a while since I've written on my poor, pathetic blog. Good thing no one reads nor cares about this sad little webspace.

So, finals were...meh. Then I was FINISHED! Finito, as my dad would say. Afterward, I lived out of my car for almost a week. It was a jolly good time. Righto.
We hiked to a hot springs during that week! Many other things transpired. Many sad things.

Then I drove across the country home to NJ.
Highlights:
-Ray buying nutella and dipping everything in it, including carrots, pringles, beef jerky, dirty socks, car keys, etc.
-Discovering CRUISE CONTROL! Best thing of my life. It's so annoying now when people don't drive steady speeds on highways and through towns.
- Wow. Hate construction. Enough said.
-BFF time with Si-dog.
-Interesting coincidences not to be shared via blog.
-M vs. M.
-Phone calls in the middle of the night in which love was whispered.
-Brock sharing Ray's deepest secrets at the dinner table, Ray shutting his eyes saying, "Brock I'm never telling you ANYTHING," and the whole situation repeating at the next meal.
-Ray loves every girl.
-Sketchy, nasty hotels
-IHOP after fasting all day
-Saltines for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Also, disgusting chocolate my aunt forced upon us
-Never living in Wyoming or Nebraska when I grow up.
-Getting really drowsy on the road many more times than Sierra realized
-Driving over the Mississippi for the first time in my life!
-Tasting the Mississippi. Ok that's a lie
-Church sites!! Nauvoo and Kirtland
-Tshirt by Shontelle, The way I loved you Taylor Swift, Here comes goodbye and when the sand runs out- rascall flatts. Those were the only songs we listened to, I'm pretty sure
-Word Girl, a superhero toy figurine from a Wendy's happy meal....she can read through walls.






Embarrassing moment memory: First month of freshman year, I was very new to facebook. Excited to use my neat webcam on my new laptop, I decided a personalized video message to my family would suffice. Naturally, I act like a psycho in it. Good thing only they were going to see it, right? I can vaguely remember reading them an illustrated children's book in a british accent. (Why I had a children's book in my dorm, I have no idea.)

So I send it off and carry on my way. A while later I noticed multiple texts on my phone from my brother and friends, all asking the same question..."You do realize you posted that video on your profile, right?" Oh, the moments that define my life.

In other news, I'm job searching. Possibly piano teacher part time, temp work part time. I have a lot of split ends...a haircut may be in the near future. The weather is beautiful and I've started running again! I love my life when I run. I study an hour a day for mission preparation. Can you believe it's real? NJ is beautiful and green, I love being home. My family is so fun. I'm trying to concentrate on the good things in my life.

Wanna know why my face is lookin real cute these days? On saturday I was getting the heavy duty extention cord so I could vacuum my cute little car. By accident I swung the plug into my face and popped a blood vessel or something under the skin. Now I have a dark ugly bruise under my eye. I also decided to get a couple bug bites on my jaw during the night, and I'm conveniently broken out. Good thing I look like I'm abused and everything.

Our new cat is named Moon. He is obsessed with himself. I refuse to call him by his name because that means he has a soul. And he doesn't. The family gives him way too much attention. I have sworn an oath to myself that I will never like him. Everything thinks he is so cute, but all he thinks about is himself. He lives the life of luxury and doesn't need anybody. He looks at you like he couldn't care less about your existence. He prances around the furniture like he owns the world. He also smells really bad at points. My mom is the worst. You can't hold her attention span for longer than 5 seconds if that vile cat is in the room. My parents love it like a newborn child. The only good thing about him is that he is so flimsy and flopsy. You can hold him in a very uncomfortable position, but the look on his face remains nonchalant and bored. Cats are gross, dogs are beautiful.

My sisters, Si and I went into the city last week. Everything that could go wrong that day did. After arriving in Penn Station, we got on the 1 subway to eventually get on the staten island ferry. When no one else was taking initiative of looking at a map, I got up and very tactfully tried to look at the only one in the car posted on the wall. A snooty business woman was conveniently sitting in front of it. I tried not to look creepy as I located the stop we were approaching. She didn't notice me at first. When she did, she almost fell off her chair from flinching so hard. I was startled because she was so startled. I apologetically mumbled that I was just trying to see the map. I heard Liv, Sam and Si trying to mask their hysterical laughter as I awkwardly sulked away in search of another. So embarrassing.

After some investigation, I realized we took the subway ALL THE WAY UPTOWN instead of all the way downtown. Wasted 90 min of my life. We got a good nap in though. When we were approaching our stop, I jerked my eyes open and said "GUYS COME ON," as I jumped off the subway. Immediately the doors closed behind me. I saw them leap out of their seats, wiping the drool from their faces. We each pressed a hand to opposite sides of the window pane and Olivia mouthed the words "I love you." In an instant their bodies zoomed off into the distance. Worst best day ever. Also, we saw a skinny happy old man wearing a very short and revealing dress-sort of thing.

Sigh. I miss my boyfriend.











Advice of the day: Love children!

Messwithyourmom.com

Bike ride in Amsterdam...summer '08

DEATH

Today is the week of death. Days can be weeks, it's fine. The fearful, anxious feeling that is constantly in my stomach during finals is beginning to surface. This morning I had a crisis. I was making my usual turkey cheese sandwich for lunch, and I got out the tomatoes, and couldn't distinguish the new ones I bought on Tuesday from the ones I've had for 2 WEEKS!! My life is constantly a nightmare. Ok that is partially true. Ok that is never true. Back to the tomatoes. Some were squishy, but does that make them bad people? If squishy means bad, then are you saying I'm fat?

It snowed a hurricane last night, and even though today was sunny as I'll get out (hick phrase my dad always says that doesn't mean anything), it was still raining on my head on the way to school because snow was melting off the recently blossomed trees, which are probably dead now, thanks a lot.

In other news, we threw Jo a bridal shower last night. Her biggest fear is a Victoria's Secret bag, so being the good roommates we are, we got her a Victoria's Secret bag. And boy, was it a Victoria's Secret bag. A Victoria's Secret bag, indeed. Ok I'll stop. We went to Big Lots and got very large grandma undies and planted them in that scary pink pouch. Don't worry, they were satin. Everyone had a good laugh, especially Jo, as she dabbed the glisten from her brow (girls don't sweat, they glow). Our apartment (excluding me) paraded around in the panties for the remainder of the night, flouncing them in photos and stuffing them with garbage for the full effect. Girls will be girls.

Word to the wise: Don't judge the people in the medieval club who wear cloaks and fight with swords on campus. They make us feel uncomfortable, but they are people too.

Malevolence

Knee Strollers are so bizarre and they don't look much better than crutches.

People I'm mad at:
1. Liberty Square for making us pay a regular month's rent, and kicking us out 8 days early.
2. Graden, for living in utah
3. The economy
4. Burglars/ninjas for
killing my father
(symbolically speaking)

People I'm sad at:
1. Malevolent monarchs
2. Moms with morning sickness
3. Mountain men who live alone

People I'm glad at:
1. Frank Sinatra
2. Sierra, for driving across the country with me
3. The mysterious multi-media man that saved my life


Isn't it great that you can say whatever you want as long as you put 'symbolically speaking' after it.

Ghostbuster

Dude rhymes with food.

Today is Spell Dude like Dood and Food like Fude Day.
Also, Kick a Ghost in the Bum Day.

I love when honey crystallizes on my sandwich and becomes crunchy.

This is my dad. Note fanny pack.

To Karin and Si

Although I'd never admit it to anyone but you (Karin and Sierra, the only ones that read this), I fall in love with guys based on three things:

1. Short haircuts
2. Testimonies
3. When they give me a noogie. (It's the principle of the noogie)

I am addicted to candy, and I don't know how to stop myself. All I want to do with my life is live in salt lake in the spring and teach music to kids in the summer. I don't know how or where I will do that.

I also don't know what to do with my life. I hate having an ambiguous future. Some people might call me indecisive, and even gossip BEHIND MY BACK to Audrey...thanks Sammy. But it's ok because afterwards we make up sweet little one-measure songs that go "Sloanininin-tonin" (D-D-D-D-A-F). We are also singing/playing "You've got a friend in me" in the ward talent show.

I wish the weather would get warm.
I miss you guys


.
Last day with Sam.

YES

Go to the mattresses. It's from The Godfather. It means you have to go to war.
The Godfather is the I Ching. The
Godfather is the sum of all wisdom. The
Godfather is the answer to any question.
What should I pack for my summer
vacation? "Leave the gun, take the
cannoli." What day of the week is it?
"Maunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday."
And the answer to your question is "Go to
the mattresses."
You're at war. "It's not personal, it's
business. It's not personal it's
business." Recite that to yourself every
time you feel you're losing your nerve.
I know you worry about being brave, this
is your chance. Fight. Fight to the
death.

true happiness

I watched Pride and prejudice tonight. I finished the one million tests and papers due this week. I'm in love. And I'm going on a mission this fall. Other than eating a terrible sloppy joe sandwich for dinner, I have the best life in the whole world.

I found this pic on my friend's profile. No explanation needed.

Thursday

I shaved a guy's face last night!! Contrary to popular belief, it's the most awkward, stressful thing ever. I thought it was going to be something comparable to the hair cutting scene in Phenomenon with John Travolta, but it was nothing like it. Ew why does a boy even have hair follicles on his face? They grow in every which direction, they're scratchy nastiness, they make him look like a bad guy, and they're a nightmare to shave off. No matter how hard I tried to slice and dice those little buggers, there were still some patches I missed when we washed off the shaving cream.

I went to an AMAZING missionary fireside yesterday! Elder Caldwell spoke on power and authority. The majoring of his talk was on power, and how having the spirit is the most important thing. He told of a sister missionary who went to her president and asked to go home. She wasn't having any success and felt worthless to the work. He challenged her to be conscious of the thoughts and words the spirit put in her mind for the next 30 days. If by the end, she still wanted to go home, he would grant permission.

That week, she and her companion knocked on a door. A woman answered, and the sister said, "We have a book we would like to present to you." The shocked woman asked her to say those words again. She did. The woman brought her husband to the front door, and again asked the sister to repeat those same words. She did. The woman explained that when her husband was a boy, his mother had a dream that one day, two women would knock on his door and say those exact words; "We have a book we would like to present to you." His mother told him that those future women would be representatives of Jesus Christ, and that he needed to listen to their message.

The sister rejoiced in having the privilege to serve the Lord. I thought it was an amazingly powerful story of the importance of the spirit. The feeling at the fireside was incredible. A man sang the song "My Shepherd will supply my need." That is one of my favorite hymns! (Except I don't think it's a hymn.)

I did laundry and went to the temple today. It was empty and there wasn't a wait, so I got to do 20 names instead of 3. Very successful morning. Tonight I'm going to the Melting Pot in salt lake! I think it's fondue.

Easter-Roommate-Egg-Hunt-Weekend-in-Pocatello-At-Ashley's- House-pic.

Do, do you got a first aid kit handy

I wish I could read scriptures and eat jelly beans all day long. I'm donating blood in an hour! Also, my new favorite song is You Make Me Feel like Dancing.

Hoity Toity

After being surrounded in all directions by the political gurus storming campus, I pose a question to the cyber abyss: are you the type of person who lies when asked if you've voted? Or do you surrender with the truth, as they corner/eat you alive? If you have any sense of integrity, deceiving is the iniquitous choice. If you ignore them, you have no soul. And if you do vote, you give in. You support their organization. You let them win. Listen, I'm all for politics as much as the next kid. Only not when I'm late for class and their chasing me down with free t-shirts and popcorn.

3 things that define my life:
1. No matter how hard I try, I will never learn how to spell license or thesaurus. (I looked them up)
2. Aeroba-stretching
3. My dinner group called Hoity Toity

So good news, my friend gave me oreo bark today. I decided the duck pond, despite clicheeziness (chiche and cheesiness combined) is the loveliest place in the whole wide world. Isn't livid a great word? I need a donut and a nap.

Ain't he cute?

Hips don't lie

I never wear enough clothes and then I suffer in the freezing cold. When will I ever learn? I need to stop trusting stupid google weather that is good for nothing and says it's going to be 63º and sunny and then it's cloudy and 40º; meanwhile I'm wearing a baby Mr. Rogers cardigan that does nothing except for maybe accentuate the size of my hips.

Last night, Jo, Audg and I stayed up till 3am at the kitchen table devising mischievous plans of revenge on certain people who ask certain girls on certain dates and then tell certain others about it. Why is staying up always a mistake? I decided to sleep through my 8 o'clock class for once, but the entire morning I was tossing and turning in bed about the important notes I was surely missing, so the extra sleep didn't even do any good. Apparently the lesson was really easy though.

My weekend in a paragraph:
Payson. Dalton's. Bowling. Being bad at bowling. Marie Callender's Pie. Mom. Sleeping on the floor. Cute new purse. Great weather. Romantical happenings. Secret Life of Bees. Disagreements. Bagels. Love. Great Harvest bread. Brothers. 375$ auto repairs. Bruising my shin. Owning Michael. Cousin joy. Spying on Ray. Playing with Mary. Rough housing with Theo. Cousin joy. Not watching October Sky. Not reading Julius Caesar. Caramel popcorn. Intrigued by someone nameless. Defending my opinions. Speaking my mind. Cousin joy. Saying things I don't mean. Nasty milky flan from Cafe Rio. Remembering Matt. Falling in more ways than one.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I

I would like to briefly discuss something called running etiquette. Why is there a failure of people in the world to just be FRIENDLY? I'm not talking about creepers that hop all over your grill if you so much as look at them. But is it so hard to smile or say hello?

I love running. I probably go about four times a week. It just makes me feel alive. Now that the weather is getting nice, I never tire of the surrounding mountains, the air is warm, and the ice is finally melted. Sue me for feeling happy on my run and wanting marry the whole world, greeting people as I pass. Maybe my speed is very intimidating (jk), or I smell, or my looks scare people off. But when I pass someone, I always look to wave at them, but they avoid my eyes entirely, always looking straight ahead. Utah is worlds ahead of Nj, where honks replace hellos and middle fingers replace merriment. Still, I'm surprised that people walking on the sidewalk are so awkward. Can't we all just be friends?

Granted, I could just VOICE a polite greeting, instead of waiting for them to look and having a silent exchange. But I'm out of breath, and I don't want to make a person feel uncomfortable if he/she doesn't want to meet eyes with a stranger.

Then, the other day, I had an epiphany! I don't know if it is the solution, but I realized when there is someone in my path, I don't look at that person until I'm barely about to pass him/her! Mostly because I don't want to look like a creeper that is staring. Who knows if they glance at me, but because I am looking away, they avoid me as well?? Maybe they are thinking about the same things I am thinking?! Maybe I just need to bite the bullet and not be so timid. Maybe I could change the world, one hello at a time. Maybe I am the only person that feels all these awkward social pressures that don't even exist, and are just fabricated in my own mind. Maybe I have a Beautiful Mind. Maybe I'm schizophrenic. Maybe, it's Maybelline.

Fingers

My fingers are finally starting to callous from playing guitar so much! It's a great life.

Also, I'm working in the computer lab right now, and a little man in an orange cardigan just asked me to print his document entitled "Raisin."

the Grapeful Dead

Tomorrow is Put Your Make Up On With Your Left Hand Day. Celebrate it.

I learned something about myself as I was eating grapes at the computer just now. I always get very wary of the last couple ones attached to the stem. I normally pick the biggest and firmest first (doesn't everyone), and work my way down to the smaller, softer ones. But I can never actually finish the grapes! Something ingrained onto the DNA of my soul never allows me to eat the last one. Mushy grapes are nasty and they freak me out.

Update: my sisters are in town. Other than having mad HSM3 chaos that has unfortunately taken the place of necessary studying, and technically should be illegal in my respective town...nothing much else is new. And by that, I mean a lot is new. But I don't have time to wander through the various subjects, so I will sign off with one of my favorite English words.

HOLLA

Life is real.

Pink and White m&ms

Why must all blogs have polka dots? It just seems fitting. Well here goes my first post!!!!!! Sup homies. Lately in my life, I've felt a strange, but dire need to formally publish my thoughts to a world wide web in which no one knows me, my past, or my faults. This goes without saying, but NOT via Facebook.

Everyday as I walk through the bookstore on campus, the candy section never fails to tempt me. Normally it's the multi-colored jellybeans or the Take5 candy bars...but as Valentine's day is quickly approaching, red heart-shaped treats are the only things in sight. What is it about white and pink m&ms that just make me want to fall in love? I don't even like m&ms, it makes no sense to me. And even though my life is in shambles at the moment, and love is just about the last thing I want to think about right now, those silly little colored chocolates bring to life that hopeful warm feeling that comes but every February. The feeling that was born in Ms. Drewe's second grade class; from finding a valentine from Joe English in my mailbox...

Isn't love a funny notion? Why is it that in our youth, the feelings we have are very real and powerful to us, but as the years pass, we grow more cynical of man's ability to love at such a young age? Jesse Falzone- I was five years old, but I was sure that he was the one. Now when I think of children having crushes, it seems silly and trivial- like kids are just copying what they saw out of a movie.

I'm going to switch trains of thought for a bit. Something that has always gotten under my skin was the lack of a perfect world that we live in. Why can't everything just work out in the end? Someone always has to get hurt. Why couldn't life just be mutual? I was listening to "Bring On the Rain" today as I made my lunch, and a line in it says, "A single battle lost, but not the war." Maybe that's what life is: a series of battles. All of them cannot be won. How would we know what victory felt like, if we'd had no loss? With each new defeat comes pain, but also knowledge and experience. It's funny though, it seems every time I lose a battle, it's hard to take solace in that fact, until much time has passed. Inevitably though, I feel stronger because of it. Neil A. Maxwell once said, "The cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy." Does it make sense that the depths of our joys can only be as deep as our sorrows have reached? As humans, our capacity to feel emotion is relative. Those who feel deeper; who are more sensitive to the world in which they live will experience fuller joys, and with that; more penetrating suffering.

As I was walking down the huge staircase near the duck pond the other day, my mind was stewing. It's so frustrating that the right choice is the hardest one to make. Shouldn't we be rewarded?! Why can't the right be the easiest, and the wrong choice be the hard one. The thing that's incredibly LAME is that it isn't always right vs. wrong. Most of the time, it's good vs. better. And when you can't see the final result, and the good choice seems to be perfectly fine, you still just have to trust that one day you'll find out why you vitally needed to walk away. I just need to be willing. I need to trust. Richard G. Scott said in his talk, 'Learning to Recognize Answers to Prayers', "Nephi knew he was required to confide in God [speaking of his entering into the house of Laban], to exercise faith, and to act so that he could receive help, step by step. He did not murmur nor ask for a full explanation. But, observe particularly, he did not wait passively for help. He acted! By following spiritual law, he was inspired and given power to act."

The past couple weeks I've realized there were two important things I really didn't understand growing up.
1. I always believed that in life, decisions would be black and white.
2. I was confused by what it meant to 'feel right about something.'

I've come to the understanding that most decisions aren't black and white. There is a lot of gray area in between. Many times, there is more than one good choice. We need to find the best choice. God will give us a lot of latitude as we paint the portraits of our destinies; after all, isn't that what free agency is for? But I'm a firm believer that He, in all His omniscience and omnipotence, knows us better than we know ourselves. He is willing to guide us to greener pastures when we pray and work for His counsel. We cannot choose every good thing in life- we need to make priorities and choose. "Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;" Doctrine and Covenants section 58 tells us. With our own free will, we need to choose A good cause. Not all good causes- for there isn't enough time or energy. The thing that is scary is that God knows what is good for us, and what is best. He can see the future; we can't. However, walking away takes action on our part. Blindly trusting in Him, and hoping for something that will be worth while is something I've been learning the past little while, and it is a hard lesson to learn.

Now for the second item on my list of childhood ignorances: Sure, you can get spiritual answers to questions in your life, but what did that mean?!?! Visions and dreams; a ground shattering voice that tells you what to do; your horoscope? Young women leaders, parents, and family would tell me stories of how they 'prayed about something (whether it was marriage, career, where to live...) and just felt right about a certain decision.' What does it mean to feel right? I never knew.

Recently, I had to make a decision. Something in my life felt off; and I didn't know why or where the feeling was coming from. I tried to rationalize it for a while; even ignore it. When that slightly uncomfortable feeling kept nagging at me, I knew I needed to face it. After praying for guidance, I would still wake up the next morning feeling unsettled. Last week I gave it serious reflection and spent a lot of time on my knees. When the gradual answer finally came, relief flooded as I knew what I needed to do. Still, the after-effects were unavoidable, and giving up what I had decided to give up turned out to be much harder than possibly imaginable.

A dull ache constantly dwells with me. I wish I could say that with time it is getting easier, but maybe I am just being impatient. I think the worst part is wishful thinking; hoping that by some strange turn of events, this experience was just something I needed to go through, and that things will eventually go back to the way they used to be. But then I remember the story of Lot's wife, and I know that I cannot look back; I need to look forward. The past is simply to learn from. Faith is always pointed towards the future; of things that are yet to come. I simply need to trust that things will work out- and as long as they will, there is no use worrying about how.


One thing's for sure: break ups are the pitts.
KEN